prenatal and post partum depression

Weight: 57.8kg – told you my weight was acting up :/
Feeling: like the truck has manged to breach the protective barrier and is wreaking havoc in my head

serious

Okay, as SERIOUS as the title of this blog article may look, i SWEAR it’s not meant to be so serious. I originally WAS going to, but after a series of events and maybe very timely divine interventions in the tune of a scary scenario on TV and a wake-up call from a ‘friend’, it’s going to be more like a ROAR-I-NEED-TO-LET-THIS-OUTpost so that everything can get out of my system once and for all.

I promise henceforth after ranty rant post today to stop minimise/reduce/lessen my whining about my life changing when the baby comes out in January.

Man, that’s going to be a tough one. As it is, I am getting slightly more excited each day as it comes closer and closer to being able to just TELL people about it and sorta let the whole “i’m pregnant” news just take care of all the “why can’t you do/eat/drink XXX”.

Apparently people at my office have been wondering why i haven’t been going into the physical office. My boss told me today that she has been keeping mum that I’m pregnant and also not telling people that I’m taking a hiatus from all the stress of running your own business. Her keeping the silence on everything was what we agreed to do until I was ready to tell them myself, but outwardly, it looks very SUSPICIOUS like i’m hiding something from the rest of the team.

I mean I appreciate that they are showing concern, but they are all speculating the reasons and my boss wants to spill the beans about how I’m pregnant and I’m just a tad irked by the whole thing because honestly speaking. the company has recently been throwing out a tonne of initiatives to go paperless/mobile on ipad and all that kind of thing. So actually, unless you’ve got a shit tonne of problems with your clientele, you shouldn’t actually need to go into office to do anything at all.

Not to mention that I have a fantastic home office setup, that I don’t have to fight with people for and it comes with decently fast internets and a landline and i can walk around naked  be entirely professional and handle stuff from my own living room without needing a cubicle.

So yeah, i don’t see why people should be questioning my whereabouts. It’s not as if they need me around to get things done like in a normal corporate office.

But that aside, telling people that I’m pregnant is probably going to kill that problem where people are wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

Unfortunately, therein lies a different problem when everybody then goes OMG CON-Fing-GRATULATIONS!!  *Squee squee squee*

just-shoot-me-now-o

Okay. I know I’m supposed to be super excited about everything that has to do with the growing life of the unborn within my womb and all that, but chill dudes and dudettes. think rationally.

this is a life time of commitment – full of as many downs as the ups promise to be if not more. For every smile your baby gives you, there are a thousand dirty diapers and throwup-sessions after feedings that make your nipples sore and keep you up late every night.

But as a mother (and the daddies too of course) you’ll do it. Because you chose to bring a child into this world. Therefore you have the responsibility to do all you can to make sure that the child has the best goddamn chance in heaven to live a blessed and charmed life, better than you’ve ever had and then some.

No, I’m not being sarcastic.

no i'm not

I mean when I was younger and more bratty, I used to think that my mother owed me a living. For one thing, if you’re going to choose to have a kid, you better make sure that you’re mature enough to handle one, and not only that, but be financially able to have one.

There are these RIDICULOUS articles. Just google it. Here. Tonnes of kiddies who’ve barely had like a year of periods and they already want to have a baby.

I still have a bit of that kind of thinking, although I definitely don’t expect to coddle my child because I’ve brought him/her into the world but here I am, almost twice that age and still second guessing myself whether I’ll be able to handle my baby independently if anything should happen to my husband, or if I have enough finances to afford this kid a proper education, whether I’ll be scrimping for diapers or not…

And the financials of the baby ain’t the only thing. Like I was saying, there’s the other aspect of sacrifice.

Gone is the sexy pre-mama body (not that i ever achieved my perfect body in this lifetime, but still….) (yes, I know I can still go at it AFTER birth, but what if #2 arrives then..)

there’s also the social life that will disappear into thin air (okay, not as if I have much of a social life now, give me a bottle of wine at home and a nice cartoon movie any day) (ack, I”m totally sounding like i act like a mother already, watching princess shows with my kids all).

Speaking about that, there’s all the food and drink I have to give up. Yes, I know I sound like an alcoholic the way I keep going on and on about what I’m missing out, but it’s not just that! It’s the TEA too! *wails* all that lovely yellow label and earl grey teas that I can’t savour.. And the sushi and cold cut meats. OH GAWWDDD the WITHDRAWAL….. And it’s not just during pregnancy either. When you’re breastfeeding everything you eat gets into your blood and your boobs so I’ve still got to be a good girl until baby is entirely weaned off.

no more tea

SIGH.

well, i guess that sums up my whole depression bit.

actually not quite. there was this little incident today that I left til now to blog about because I was seriously wondering whether I would want to taint this blog with such negative feeling.

I told one of my good friends today that I was expecting, and I had purposely held off telling her because I knew she  was kinda at a stage of life where she wasn’t ready to settle down and definitely was NOT looking to have kids in the near vicinity of her life. Hell, I doubt if she’d even consider having a pet at any stage right now.

So anyway, due to certain circumstances, I felt it was right to tell her, and she did the cursory “OMG”s and “Congratulations” and “Blahblahblah”s and I graciously said thank you, but told her I wasn’t going to get all excited until after the first trimester – when we originally planned to tell people and also when the baby was more safe with regards to surviving the pregnancy and becoming a real live boy.

ShrekRealBoy

we said our thank yous and wish you wells and left it at that.

Having finished with that conversation, I noticed that she posted some thingy up on facebook about how Keira Knightly gives herself a $50,000 allowance per annum and I commented that it was quite ironic because she had ALSO just posted a picture of a brand new pair of 5 inch heels ( SIGH, my ankles are going to swell to the size of balloons and they’ll never allow me to wear heels again)

I was greeted by a MAJORLY bitchy reply on the thread along the lines of : I got those at 50% off. Can’t blame me though. I got no kids, no mortgage, no husband. Yup I’m Gloating. Hehe.

WHERE DA FUQ DID THAT COME FROM!!!!

even

I had a minor breakdown a little because that was just so insensitive to what I said about not really being excited and everything that I really needed to have a little pity cry about how she was absolutely right and I’ll never get my independence back again.

On hindsight and talking to one of my maternally-inclined friends-in-the-know, I came across the realization that if she honestly thinks that it’s a travesty to be owning a house, and having a life partner who stands by you even when you’re fat and whiny and going to explode with unsexy-ness and because you’re going to have a child together, then good luck to her.

Honestly speaking, you CANNOT compare being able to buy yourself a pair of shoes and having the ability to splurge on frivolous items to having a kid and having to care for a whole ‘nother human being for the rest of your life.

I don’t need to deal with that kind of crap when there are bigger things on the order now, so please keep your caustic  sentiments to yourself.

And at the same time, like I said, this will be the last time that I’m going to let myself feel sorry about having this baby because of all the things that I will have to force myself to grow out of because I’m a mother.

So maybe it’s a good thing that it happened altogether, because I can’t even tell you how motivated I am to be a happier pregnant woman  after hearing that kind of trash talk. I absolutely HATE people insinuating that I should be feeling a particular way when I don’t.

Anyway, after taking a lot of deep breathes and having my little cry, I really just have to keep praying every night that the feeling of depression and unsettledness that’s haunting me will go away slowly. And like a self-fulfilling prophecy, the thing that i’ve been telling everybody about everything going to get better once I hit the 2nd trimester will come true.

Until then, I’m going to keep my chin up and totally prove that person that there’s more to life than just enjoying independence and that can be done with a loving and GROWING family.

But just for you, here’s the web resources about prenatal and post partum depression that I read through before deciding I wouldn’t talk about the clinical aspect of things

here : KKH,
here : Asian Parent – also  comes with a nifty albeit simple questionnaire at the end,
and here: Baby Center.

And for extra bonus, the TV show I watched today was on the Discovery Home & Health channel but for the life of me, I can’t seem to find that particular video to imbed. Anyway, the episode that I saw during lunch today also made me resolve to not let myself get to such a mad state.

Here’s something similar so that you get the idea of how bad some of the postpartum cases are:

Katie Couric’s Talk show here.

Ugh, How depressing,
Jessica

NOTE: I find it important to note here that said friend above has made an apology and I’ve chosen to let bygones be bygones. But that doesn’t mean I will let myself sink back into depression about things again. Onwards and Upwards with mood and outlook!

yay

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