A week for depression and worry

Weight: 60.7kg – you have to be shitting me..
Feeling: Like a failure – BEfore I was pregnant it would be impossible to lose weight but when I want to put on weight, I can’t. WHY!

Truly, I’m an emotional basketcase.. I saw my weight this morning and felt devastated that I had dropped back down to my pre-steamboat weight. Is there something wrong with the way my body is retaining nutrition or something?

the Husband says that it’s just water weight and not to be too worried about it. But I am. I’m tearing hair out on how to put on weight.

Stressed-Real-Housewives

So remember how I found this weight gain estimator thing online? According to my pre pregnancy weight and height, I’m supposed to be bordering 64kg by now.

One of my closer friends who I’ve personally labeled my go-to girlfriend for reassurance in this whole pregnancy fiasco told me that she had a friend who barely put on 3kg throughout the entire pregnancy. Something else she said was particularly reassuring.

My doc always said mum’s weight not important, baby’s weight is.
Trust me every kg you don’t gain is one you don’t have to lose. Hahahaha

– wise sage of a girlfriend

Call me naive for not already knowing this, but I still have the right to feel anxious and panicky considering it really may be all my fault if something goes wrong with baby inside me right? I will really only know on Friday when we go for the scan, but at least for the time being, it seems to be a fair assumption that I’m freaking out a bit too prematurely when there’s nothing that I really should be freaking out about. Yet . 😦

But in my still present anxiety and desperation to pile on some weight, this morning I went a little  mad. I ordered a MacDonalds McGriddle burger this morning and ate it like a pancake. Smothered in hotcake sauce. Then I had an apple and a bunch of grapes. I just went to get myself a chicken rice now and hope the calories bulks up the baby in time for the scan this Friday.

stuff my face

For all the excitement that I’m containing with regards to my baby’s gender that we will be able to find out at this Friday’s scan (If baby decides to kindly flash the scanners his/her genitals), I’m truly quite paranoid by what the detailed scan might turn up. All this worrying seems to just override all the happy feelings.

I am just besides myself with worry about baby kicking and moving around, and my weight, and what if….

I know that through the weekly photos I’ve been posting, that our baby or rather my tummy is growing. But while there is physical growth, I don’t seem to be able to feel him/her moving. I mean, I’m sure baby is a-ok and moving like crazy in his/her water sac of protection, but what the hell is the movement supposed to even feel like! I REALLY don’t know WHAT I’m supposed to be feeling or like what I’m supposed to be looking out for when baby does kick your insides around! Are there any signs or something?

I’m pretty sure I’ve got to be pretty close to term before I start seeing my belly changing shape because of the rolling around and rotating that the baby is doing..

Like I’ve felt other mummy’s bellies before and a kick is obviously a kick. but apparently the beginning stages are only supposed to be flutterings of butterflies in your tummy? I must actually be quite fat or have some pretty impressive layers of insulation, because i can’t feel anything going on down there.

can't feel anything

I’ve been reading a lot about when I’m supposed to be able to feel the baby moving and it’s supposed to be like.. Now?  Week 16  to week 20 they say. To make things more frustrating and worrisome, people can’t stop asking about whether I can feel anything yet.

I wrote in one of my last posts about how irritating it was to be asked the same questions over and over and over again. The irritation is just magnified a gazillion fold when you are wondering the same thing yourself and you just don’t have an answer.

I’ve taken to giving them an “I also dunno” face, along with a very cheesed off smile and wriggling of eyebrows that hopefully they’ll take as a signal to please shut up.

To be honest, I’ve been more worried about the baby moving inside me compared to anything else. It also really doesn’t help that I keep hearing from people who’ve been pregnant before around me about how they felt this and that when and where… and I’m just… out of the loop because I don’t get what they are getting. I don’t get the flutters and I don’t get the little twitchies or funny feelings inside.

whut

It’s totally not a laughing matter..

I’ve taken the time to just breathe a bit and put on my “Be Rational” cap.

After doing that, I had the peace of mind to go scour the internet to search for people who are worrying about the same things as I am.

are you thinking

And for the reason I love Google and Yahoo answers and all of these other crazy internet resources. There’s just something so reassuring about knowing that there are other first time mums who are carrying their babies who are just as panicked as I am if not more. 

For example:

babyandbump.com
“….throughout my pregnancy ive been so scared something is wrong, but now im getting close to my due date the anxiety seems to be taking over. I dont have any reason to believe that anything is wrong. But im worried about everything, like will baby have all its fingers and toes. Did anyone else feel scared and nervous? How did you deal with it?” – @katy1985

Essentialbaby.com.au
“I’m seeing lots of photos of preggie bellies around my gestation (and first timers) and hearing about their kicks and prods etc and I have no idea why this isn’t happening to me yet.
I’ve barely slept all night.  I’d conjured up in my mind that I don’t have enough amniotic fluid which is why I’m not showing and can lay on my stomach and feel perfectly comfortable.” – @cosmic79

babycenter.com Forum
“You know, I have found lately that I’ve had a really hard time allowing myself to get super excited about the baby.  I want more than anything to have this kiddo, so I’m being really cautious about “getting my hopes up.”  I’ve realized recently, though, that we’ve already done the hard part.  Getting pregnant is pretty tricky!  We just have to take care of ourselves, and the rest will probably work out fine.” – @muellerr

healthunlocked.com
“…If you’ve had a bad experience before you’re bound to think the worst again, but just think about all the babies that are born with no problems at all. There’s no reason why that won’t be you this time! Only 5 weeks until your next scan. Make sure you ask as many questions as you can while you’re there. Once you start to feel the baby move you will be reassured that it’s there. You’ll then have another worry-sometimes you can go for a while without movement and you panic again. I don’t think it ever stops.” – Elemtee

Besides all the reassurances that I’m getting online, I’m just going to have to push all the worry aside and again trust in God that everything will be ok. God has a plan for me and my husband and our baby growing inside me and I have to know that His plan is all I need to know. Things will work out the way that He intends for things to work out. Pray for me if you can – it helps to know that there are people out there who care for us and the health and safety of our family as I try and work out the nuances of my over-thinking brain.

At the same time, whatever it is going on now in my head and my heart really can wait until Friday when we’ll have all the scans to look at and really find out if there’s any warrant to my paranoia. In the meantime, it helps to be able to put everything down on the blow here and to share my feelings with everyone 🙂

Counting down the days to the scan will be as harrowing with anticipation and worry as you can imagine but I’ll be strong. Thinking about our baby’s gender rather than the potential problems will definitely help too so no more fretting because there’s no reason to right now 🙂

antici

-pation

 

Pink or Blue,
Jess

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