Back to life..

Feeling: Struggling to adjust. It’s weird that everything is DIFFERENT


he'shere

HE’s Here šŸ™‚


IMG_1051

The bub is 2 weeks old yesterday so I guess it’s about time that I start blogging down what it’s been like to be at home with him right?

It’s been a really amazing roller coaster of a journey to be honest and it’s quite hard to believe that time has flown by this fast….

So now that everybody is home, everything revolves around the baby now.. It’s mad. My wants and needs are all 2nd place right now. What ever they’ve said about motherhood, it’s all true.

You become a slob for the love of your child.

slob

We’re lucky though that James has started settling down well and while 4-5 hour sleeps is considered VERY LUCKY when it comes to the world of midnight parenting, trust me when I say that you don’t quite want that to happen in a baby’s first few weeks of life.

There’s so much to navigate with the bub and everything is something new. That means for us as first time parents, EVERYTHING is a question of whether it is or isn’t supposed to be this way.

For instance, while it looks like we might be blessed with a bub who might be able to sleep through the night. But that means that he’s not feeding often enough and Lord knows what will happen if the baby has an empty tummy.

Then there’s the fact that bubby doesn’t really wail a lot. So I can’t tell if he needs a change. Our biggest signal is the loud *PRAAHPPP* that emits from his tushy every 3-4 hours or so.

Yes, our bub burps and farts like an old man…

burp

Most importantly, it’s making sure that the bub is gaining weight and hitting his growth milestones. So we have been trying to weigh him and make sure that he’s putting on the pounds.

To be honest, I am already finding that he’s so much bigger than day 1, it’s really amazing.

I had a few friends come over to my house to visit me and the bub and the hubby because I’m under confinement right, and they brought their 1 year old bubs with them (or almost-1 year old bubs anyway). And it’s quite hard to imagine that one day James will get that big!

A few weeks ago before James came out, I was under the impression that these 1 year old kids I was playing with were about as small as they would come. But now with a bub of my own for comparison, there’s really no contest about how amazingly SMALL they can be

And fragile.

Heck, it’s freaky as hell to coordinate baby transfers and cradle carries and football holds.. Baby’s necks are just SO fragile! Now that my bub has made it to 2 weeks, it’s even MORE freaky because he’s quite a strong little kicking fellow. He constantly tries to kick me away and stick his neck out on his own to lift off my chest.

And it’s not just about the support of the neck. It’s trying to balance the right amount of pressure to hold it upright, WHILE the baby is squirming and fussing and trying to run away from you…

mandrake

After 2 weeks though, it really does seem like we’re getting a lot more used to the idea of taking care of him though. It’s much easier for us to hand him off to another person at home so that we can Ā take a shower / get some food in our mouths / go to the toilet / reply some emails….

It’s really the scheduling that’s taking the wind out of us right now.

We’ve yet to get the hang of when to get up for feeds and figuring out his cries – it takes us a fair bit amount of time to figure out what exactly he wants when he gets to the point where he’s starting to fuss about what’s bothering him.

When we first came home, we used to think that every cry was a call for food, and I literally became a human cow; milk machine on demand…Ā And for the majority of the time, because he’s so young and growing, it’s pretty true that that’s really what he calls for.

But now we’ve become a little bit more efficient in deciphering that it’s actually because he’s got some wind in his tiny tummy or that he needs his diaper changed. And now that he’s starting to stay more alert during the day, sometimes it’s really because he’s just so tired too..

It’s a long journey more to being able to understanding what he wants on cue. And hell, I figure that even when a person’s kids are all grown up, parents still have trouble figuring their kids out, so maybe I shouldn’t be too worried…

dont-worry

But it’s hard not to worry when everything is new and uncertain. Especially for a person like me who like everything to be controlled and well-planned out. And not just well-planned but well-executed.

And considering that it’s just a matter of time before my mum heads home and my husband returns to work, I’ve been pushing myself to be able to handle taking care of the bub as independently as possible, despite the fact that I do have help.

I mean, who’s going to help me when I’m on my own right? Better that I test myself now and use my resources as a last resort than get too comfortable with all the extra hands now an suffer with the transition later on..

But I do think that I’ve been pushing myself a bit too hard and spreading myself a bit thin..

exhausted

The other day we went out with the bub for the very first time. Not to the doctor’s and not for a checkup, but to run some errands and get him some jumpers for jammies.

Bub had a major wail-out because he was hungry and a bit uncomfortable being wrapped up (perhaps his body is getting better at regulating temperature already). So we had to find somewhere to stop and give him a feed.

That in itself was quite a challengeĀ because we were in the car travelling from one place to the next and can I just say that breastfeeding in a moving car is NOT the easiest thing in the world to do. And even less so when you’re feeling a horrible bout of motion sickness coming on.

I just felt so drained and helpless to make the situation happen any better than it did. By the time we reached our destination and parked in the quiet carpark with about another 10 minutes of feeding left to go (by my estimation of his mealtime records), it was all I could do to melt down into a pile of sobs and just have a good pity cry.

crying

But moving on,Ā I’ve been stressing and I blame the massive hormonal that apparently hits around day 7. It’s been crying at the drop of a hat and really just being overwhelmed by EVERYTHING. Even the smallestĀ things trigger a crying episode – like looking at my bub and worrying that we’ll be good parents, amongst many other things.

And I’m ashamed to say it, but I know I have to acknowledge that the stress and the tiredness is really turning me into a big bitch at home too.

*Sigh*

You won’t hear me say it in person too many times, so I’d better immortalise my apologies to my mum and my husband who have diligently been taking care of me and taking my crap for the last few days during the confinement period. For accepting my frustrations and trying to swallow the words that I’ve said when I vent on them.

There’s still a lot of things that need to be reigned in so that we get some semblance of normal life back. and it’s a long way more to go before things start looking manageable again, but I’m glad for them to be around and I’m glad for prayer to God to help keeping my sanity intact.

At the end of the day, I don’t want to be so concerned with the semantics and logistics and responsibilities that I forget to enjoy my bub’s childhood. After all, no point I suffer through everything and end up missing the best thing right?

So here’s me just saying that I’ll strive forward and try my best to keep my temper and emotions in check and wake up every day knowing that things are improving slowly but surely šŸ™‚

won't be bad forever

Holding fast in Faith and sleep-deprivation,
Jess

 

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