Feeling: Apprehensive and worried..
It’s amazing how quickly the feelings change… Today I’m just feeling a little anxiety. Hell, I’m feeling A LOT of anxiety.
It’s stemming from the fact that I will eventually need to go out. Leave the house. With the bub. On my OWN. No help.
I’ve just been thinking about it incessantly now that the bub is a month old and while I’ve lived the “sheltered” life at home with someone to cater me lunch and to wake me up and help me to handle the baby when I’ve something that needs doing… The inevitable is approaching!
Well, perhaps not TOO soon, but soon enough.
The hubs and I have actually agreed that we won’t go out until after the bub has finished all his vaccination jabs so that he’s protected from all the germs and crap that flies around in public places.
Now let’s not jump onto the vax vs anti-vax argument because it’s been settled and agreed, and I think in Singapore a majority of the jabs are compulsory no matter what. We’ve already arranged a date with the polyclinic to get his shots done on the 2nd of March, so it really is a matter of time before I have no more excuses.
Sidetracking a little here, we were actually told, on the advice of our Paed, to go to the polyclinic and get the jab(s). His exact words were – “Every doctor wants to make money, but honestly, it’s cheaper by a lot because the government is encouraging parents to vaccinate their kids. So go and make an appointment with the polyclinic.”
And that was that. Don’t you love people who tell you the truth, especially when the truth saves you hassle / money / etc…
It’s been a safety blanket for me to be honest – I’ve been able to hide behind the shield of the bub not being fully protected and declare myself unfit to venture outdoors.
But no longer.
It’s something that needs to be done. And ye, though I walk through the valley…
To be honest, the only reason why I’m really afraid is because I HATE change. Change to me is one of my worst fears.
I mean I’m happy, well-established, finally managed to set up a routine and I’ve barely start to understand the baby’s cues, and now you want to throw me out into the big wide world to test if I can do the same while on the move?
I have been weighing the options really and there’s quite a number of things to think about…
Most important of which is having to handle a whole ‘nother human being besides myself. And that there’s no way around this point. Obviously I can’t really quite leave him at home because I’ve elected and AM the little bub’s one and ONLY food source.
That means that my boobs are at his beck and call. I absolutely HAVE to be around to ensure that he gets his nourishment.
Secondly is the fact that we don’t quite have help at home (anymore) since my mum has left.
As it is, figuring out how to manage the bub at home is a feat in itself and it is hard enough having to juggle him without another pair of hands and where everything is available – like a comfy bed for feeding and a changing table is 10 steps away. I truly cannot imagine how it’s going to be like when I’m out on the move and having to hunt for a private space to feed and change my baby’s nappies..
Not to mention that if I were out to visit clients or people of similar yoke, not everybody would be too happy for me to tote the bub around with me… Nobody wants to be around a wailer, even if he’s only potentially so most of the time.
But I foresee that eventually, short of becoming a housewife, I will have to leave the kid(s) at home.
Besides etching out some mummy+daddy time and also letting myself have a bit of silence with no disturbance every once in a while, I do hope to eventually go on “solo” holidays with the hubs in the first few years of bub’s life too – not now, when he can barely make out shapes and sounds, much less appreciate the scenery and cuisine of a different country.
So what’s there to do but start planning…
I could pump milk and express to store in the freezer so that somebody can help feed and look after him if I’m out, but do I really want to trouble somebody else with a job that I feel that I should be handling on my own? Plus I’ve been living quite contentedly with the need to use bottles and pumps and sterilizers…
Not just that either, but since my mum stayed with us over confinement, is also stands to reason that it’d be perfectly fine to choose her to be the one who takes care of our little bub should we ever go on that holiday.
Again, what better person to take care of the little bub then she who has had experience with him for a month and also has personal interest in her grandson’s well-being hey?
Subject to her approval of course.
But all that being said, there are another host of worries that come along with that.
Nothing to do with coping and the like, but more so about whether I’ll miss some big milestone because I was too busy doing something else.
Heaven forbid that I was looking at my computer or out having lunch and I come home to find that my baby has said his first word, or taken his first step or something of that nature…
I find that as a mother, the job carries such a heavy responsibility and I have such high expectations of myself to meet and exceed at handling those responsibilities. While I understand that I can’t be perfect, it troubles me that I am no longer as efficient at multi-tasking and handling things to and efficient state.
While I would love for the baby to wake up at set times every day and be hungry and poop and pee and fixed hours, that’s an impossibility that I’ll have to live with. A baby is a very unpredictable problem that can’t be planned and scheduled that easily. Or at least not until he understands what I’m talking about…
I’m not going to say I’ll have to “live with it” though. Being a parent is more about coping with the things that are new and that are changing in your life, and more about embracing whatever comes and enjoying the journey.
And besides enjoying every midnight wake and the growth spurts which render me entirely incapable of guessing when bub will be hungry next and also possibly getting peed or pooped on at every diaper change, it’s important to remember that eventually, I won’t get to enjoy it anymore.
Just this week, we found out that the bub had already overgrown his very first onesie that we put on for him. Weighing in at a hefty 4.5kg at this morning’s weigh in, He’s almost near doubled his birth weight and still growing quickly.
It’s the things like that that truly make me realise that I need to take on every change as a challenge. Not to shy away from an experience nor procrastinate to do it at a later date. As it is, like a number of his clothes starting to become ill-fitting, it seems that time passes too quickly not to treasure every single moment with the bubby.
If only it were so easy to put off the demands of the world and just spend the hours watching him and taking in his every blink and gesture..
It’s going to be a long way before we are absolutely confident with the bubby, and probably never even at 100% at that. Can you imagine what’s going to happen when he’s a teenager! *Gah*
But like I said, I just need to come to terms that things WILL change and I’ve got to put my faith in God that He will give me the strength and wisdom to pull through every new experience with love and patience for the bubby.
And also that the hubs and I will be able to manage each new situation with a certain amount of finesse, or if not, the graciousness to admit that we need to work on it, and the energy to do so!
Holding the anxiety back,