Feeling: like a child myself, and perhaps I always may be…
Today it really hit me that I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.
I suppose it’s one of those moments of true self-doubt that I wonder “When does a person truly “grow up” to become an adult?” Maybe not so much of being and adult in this case though, but being more of a PARENT.
It’s a word that holds such RESPONSIBILITY and fear.
I mean, while not everybody may be a parent, everybody is somebody’s child. And that means that they have a parent, and some sort of idea of what a parent should be.
What exactly does it mean to be a parent? Does it mean being a spoil sport and not having fun and basically having to live by the rules all the time? Doing things the RIGHT way all the time?
I mean, I find that there are days where I don’t live by the rules, want to play fair, just want to throw a tantrum, and etcetera (LOTS of etcetera) and I definitely would not consider myself to be anywhere near the best person in the world to be a parent.
But yet by some miraculous causality, I’m in charge of another human life.
It’s really rather strange to be a parent. I set myself up to think that I’ll be making good and proper decisions for my child when deep down I’m thinking whether I would want my child to grow up learning from me? Am I capable of putting my best foot forward or will I slip up and display some trait that may perhaps influence the bub to become a “bad person”?
I mean, where to begin!
You guys all know that I’m an over thinker. I think things down to an inch and get myself worried and flustered in the process. Does that mean that my bub will be an overthinker too? Will he become somebody who worries too much about the outcome of his actions and gets anxious about his performance? Or will he use this trait to think things so thoroughly that the work he does is well-planned and thoughtful…
I really dislike it when people tell me what to do. Does that mean that my bub will be a willful and uncontrollable rebel or does that mean that he will push for things to be done because he believes in the importance of standing up for what is right?
I can be snitchy and argumentative. I often shoot my mouth off without thinking about my words and I often fall prey to the draw of an argument and to arguing. Does that mean that I won’t be able to talk to my bub, or does that mean he will think carefully and reason well and speak his mind?
And other things too, which aren’t as lovely as the traits above – meaning I can’t find any way to justify that it may be good if the bub inherits them from me. Like :-
- I think that white lies are ok as long as it doesn’t affect anybody.
- I litter when I know I won’t get caught
- And I think that it’s okay to not put my trays back after eating at the kopitiam (foodcourt)
But worst of it all, I know I can sum up all over the over to just being a right bitch because I (try to) disregard people’s opinion of me and do what I feel right, the way I feel is right. Unfortunately, it means I bulldoze all over other people’s opinions and intentions.
Somebody told me yesterday that while I might think that I have considered other factors in my judgement, the point is that I cast judgement. My intentions might be good and true and perhaps I may have made a comment jokingly and in my way, but other people just don’t see things the same way.
And that’s utterly depressing and makes me wish that I could somehow not think about things so much.
Ah, such is the curse of having a woman’s brain where millions of things are being thought about at any point of time in the day.
But moving on, while it pains me to admit my faults, I think in the light of the situation and how my faults may shape my bubs entire future, it’s important that they need to be listed. The faster I can name my peeves and my disgruntled-ness, the faster I can do something to address the problem(s) so the bub doesn’t take after them!
Just take the recent series of UOB private banking commercials….
“Some people might not know, but my bubby will know.” And it’s my (well mine and my hubs’) responsibility to show him the meaning of honesty, integrity and accountability.
As much as I doubt myself and my ability to be able to teach him the right thing, the fact of the matter is that my bub is here and I am his mummy, and if I don’t take a stab at it, who else will?
And so it’s time to put aside my childishness and wing it as I go. Make sure that I do my gosh darned best. As a mum, I can only try my best to protect my baby and teach him what I perceive is right.
That means doing my research. Reading the forums, not being ashamed to admit my faults and continuously learn for now and for probably the rest of my life and his. Again, that means not letting myself worry myself into the ground and allowing myself to learn more along the way.
Afterall, after he’s a baby, he’s a toddler. Then a child, then a teenager, then a son of Singapore in the army and perhaps an independent young adult making his way in the world.
Before long, he may be asking me for advice on his own kids too. If he likes the way that we brought him up.
Read the bible, pray every day and know that somehow throughout all my doubt and uncertainty, God has a plan for me to be a mummy, or things would never have happened.
And not to let what people say affect you from doing what you think is right for your child. Despite what they think may be right, only I am the mother of my child.
I wonder what LKY would have said to Lee Hsien Loong to prepare him for the job of being the Prime Minister of Singapore. LKY became the person he was so that he could give to the nation and to give advice to his son that would make a son’s legacy even greater than that of the founding father of the nation, I can’t even imagine how immense a task like that would be.
But I suppose that’s what most parents would want right? To teach someone to be better than yourself..
Perhaps in the grander scheme of things, God actually sends children to us to force us to grow up. To make us think about what our values are and make sure we do a good job of imparting the right ones to the next generation.
After all, it’s the trials in life that mould and change us into better people. And if not for your children, then for who else.
So whatever comes, as big of a job it may be, I tell you I’ll be taking things in my stride and doing the best that I can.
Que sera, sera,