Feeling the burn

Feeling: There never is enough time for everything..

There’s just SO little time and I seem to be rushing around doing things all the time but yet there is always more to do!

bitches all day

There’s looking after the baby of course which is a full-time job in itself changing diapers and feeding and playing with him. Then there are articles to write and words to transcript. Then I have to take care of lunch and go to the toilet, and spend time with the hubs when he comes home, then its dinner time and bath time and sleep time.

And all of a sudden, it’s midnight and where the hell did time go to?

I guess that’s what happens when you try to do work while you’re still in confinement or under maternity leave. You just end up so torn between earning money and taking care of your child that everything is just done halfway.

But you know what’s the worst thing? The weekends are just as bad it seems!

We have just about had enough of constantly having THINGS to do. If it isn’t a wedding or a meet up or sorts, than its errands and/or shopping or a baby fair…. Why can’t we just do nothing?

So what did we do? We made a pact to make this weekend a let’s-do-nothing day. A day for us to just sit at home with each other and to let the television watch us and for us not to worry about what the next thing on our schedule would be.

But just seconds after I said it, I was enticed by ACTIVITY. I’d scheduled myself and the bub for babywearing yoga on Saturday and the whole family up for a doggy art jam on Sunday.

Yes. I know I asked for it.

you good

I think I remember posting something about the busy-ness of people a while back as well. Here’s the article.

After we settled in, we went to one of the friendly neighbors, asking if their daughter and our daughter could get together and play. The mother, a really lovely person, reached for her phone and pulled out the calendar function. She scrolled… and scrolled… and scrolled. She finally said: “She has a 45-minute opening two and half weeks from now. The rest of the time it’s gymnastics, piano, and voice lessons. She’s just…. so busy.”

And I can totally imagine that this is what our weeks are going to become in the future… SCARY STUFF..

We’ve already agreed that we want to give our little bubsy the chance to experience all that he can experience and then make a decision for himself what he would like to continue doing. So he can choose whether he prefers an art or a sport or an intellectual thing or a combination of all and he can focus on what he likes, in his own time.

But us? The parents will be running around like headless chickens getting him to classes and play dates and the like…

Anyway, back to the issue at home and in the present though. Shouldn’t I be able to do things for the bub at 110% rather than a 50-50? What’s the point of doing things so inadequately anyway?

I mean, in a way I suppose that  it’s good to get more things done rather than less, but I think that doing a good job matters too. You shouldn’t be doing things at a sub par level if you’re doing them at all. So why not put in all your effort to make sure things are completed and completed well!

do or do not

Perhaps it doesn’t quite weigh in unless there’s a bit of context. Although I’m pretty sure Master Yoda has done a good job of providing a little bit of it.

But for me, it’s more like when I’ve left my child to his own devices – maybe on the playmat, or in the bouncer with some hanging toys for him to grab at, I worry my head off whether he is getting enough stimulation without me offering him things and making him interact with stuff.

Do I need to be encouraging him to do things? How much “This little piggy” and nursery rhymes can I recite? Is it really okay to leave him on his own?

Should he be on his bouncer so he can look around or on a floor mat so that he can learn to roll around and flip and perhaps sit up?

What about his binky! Am I counting on the pacifier to do too much, or should I be teaching him to self soothe instead? Am I opening  whole can of worms by allowing him to get attached to it? When should I not let him have it?

And most importantly, is he going to be affected if I choose one way over the other?

So many questions and only one way to do things. Is it bad to want to get as many things done for the bub as possible? To want to give him as much as I can give while giving myself a bit of time to do what I want even if it has to be work?

At the end of the day, whatever I end up doing, will it ever be “enough”? Not to mention that it takes time to figure out if the decision you made was the right one. And sometimes you realise you should have done things a different way only when it’s too late….

milk-was-a-bad-choice

And the thing that makes this all worse, is that I can’t even focus on the decisions I’m making for my child while I’ve got work taking up half my brain space.

I’m glad that I get help though. My mum comes to help every week on the days that bub bub has his swimming lessons, after which she helps with making something hearty and home-cooked for dinner, and in the meantime helping me to keep an extra eye on the bub.

Yesterday there wasn’t any swim lessons, so I have a glorious time at home where I could unabashedly work on things because I knew there would be someone else to take care of the baby’s cries and give me a little time off.

Is it sad that on my “time off” I’m doing work? Will I never have a true moment to myself to just do nothing?

I long to be able to stone (zone out) for a bit without worrying about the repercussions of me ignoring everything else that’s going on in the world…

alice thinking

However, while I’m grateful for the help, I would much rather not have work and be the one who’s taking care of bubsy. To be able to give him my full attentions and to be able to make all those decisions knowing that I’m only thinking of him and not distracted by thoughts of anything else.

For the time being, there’s only one thing to do about it, and that’s suck it up and plough through doing whatever that I can.

I suppose it’s the bane of every mother’s life to be stressed and worried and at a total loss about whether we can ever do or give enough to your child. But in that way, it ensures that we are trying..

And that’s what counts isn’t it?

At the same time, I pray that God continues to provide and bless our little family with the means to be able to give the bub all that we can give, and for Him to provide the serenity to be at peace with our decisions. After all, He has plans for us and things can’t go all that South with Him at the helm right?

So.. There’s gotta be a lot of trusting and forging forward to be done.

In the meantime…

just keep swimming

Breathing out, 1-2-3,
Jess

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