Feeling: Weary and cautious
So the last week has been a blur for us. We’ve had a little bit more than a clash at home and as the time comes for us to move out, I can’t deny the fact that I am eager and desperate for some personal space.
Long story short, it seems like there’s a rift so deep and so wide that some apologies cannot bridge. And especially when one party is being absolutely unreasonable and obstinate towards compromise…
Well.. It’s time to move on isn’t it?
There are so many reasons why people argue with one another – disagreements on how things should be done, feelings are hurt, misunderstandings occur.
When it comes to me, I am, more often than not, very fiery about how certain things need to be carried out because I have a process. A system. A certain way which I think things need to be done. I do try to make it a point to ensure that there is a logical progression when I decide to do things in a certain method.
For example – if you are eating dinner and need to get a cup of water and clear dishes at the same time, it would make sense to stack the dishes to be cleared and bring your cup with you to the kitchen so you don’t have to make 2 trips.
Or asking permission from somebody when you want to take something, or do something to that person’s belongings or child for example.
There was this FB post about how people need to ask parents before they offer food to their children that went up a few days ago. Especially with CNY on the horizon, this is something that I found close to heart and important to share online.
However not only in my own post but others too, I saw barking huge debates across multiple postings.
Without going into too much detail, I find that the crux of the matter is this – why is it so difficult for people to ask or confirm whether something is okay, and if you didn’t, and did something wrong, why is it even more difficult for people to apologise?
Is there so much PRIDE in people that it blocks them from having a rational thought about how to do things?
To me, it seems like I’ve hit a brick wall. We had a scheduled confrontation this week and I’m not so certain that things have quite been resolved. There is only so much that I can say or explain about my situation and my stand, and I’ve come to realise that in this world, when you’re arguing with someone, no matter how much time and effort and sincerity you show in your actions and words, some people just don’t, and will never get it.
When it comes to an opinion, both sides are entitled to their own thoughts and stands. We can talk until the cows come home but it’s unfortunate that when somebody cannot see nor understand how to “agree to disagree” and insists on a certain way of things being done that an entire relationship turns sour and is thrown down the drain.
While it seems like a person can be entitled to do whatever they want without thinking about the consequences, much like what one of my friends has said – you never really think that you’ll affect someone with such a well-meaning gesture until someone does it to you and you realise that you’ve been taking for granted the other person’s feelings all this while.
Then and there do you decide to change.
Unfortunately, sometimes people just never get to the point where they can put themselves into another’s shoes.
So for the sake of getting on the same page, isn’t it important to work towards a solution or trying to understand another person’s view point, even if you can’t see eye to eye on things? Even if it’s difficult to see what the other person is talking about, shouldn’t you at least make an effort to try?
While in an argument, all the heated words and anger makes it difficult for people to focus on any other opinion but their own. But the only way of making any headway is to be open and honest and understanding that feelings were hurt in both directions.
It’s not that easy to get through to everybody if they want to be pig-headed about their stand.
I normally hate to bring up cliches but it’s so true that relationships are built on mutual respect and it takes 2 hands to clap when it comes to problem resolution. I don’t see why I need to try so hard to patch up a relationship that the other person has no love for.
So I won’t.
It might seem like a very cold way to address a situation, but I honestly cannot see why I should force myself to compromise my values if the other party doesn’t feel like they need to explain why the way I’m thinking is wrong, or why what they think is correct?
If someone sincerely wants me to understand how they feel, wouldn’t they take the time to argue and explain their point of view and convince others (NOT bulldoze), that their way is the right way?
For all the things that I’ve said so far about the way that I address conflict, I know that there are valuable lessons here that I need to pass down to my child.
Bringing up my child in a way that provides him a safe and nurturing environment is really important to me, and I don’t want there to ever be a situation where my kids would shut me out.
While I’m sure my family doesn’t LIKE to fight, (who does right?) we still do, and often. It might seem funny for there to be fights as a way of life, but some of our squabbles have made us better people for it because we clear the air, we say what we mean, we work out our differences and we move on without harbouring a grudge.
Sidenote: Gawd, please do not Google for grudge gifs. Scary ass crap. $R^&@#%^&* I swear I lost a few years of my life.
It was a way of life for me to explain things – why I saw things a certain way, what I think is logical, please correct me if I’m wrong, so that an argument can come to a head. Rather than just shouting at the top of your lungs your viewpoint.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – arguments make relationships stronger.
And I’ll add a second line to that – as long as both parties are willing to work together to find a solution that BOTH can be happy with.
I still DO shout a lot, but only because everyone wants to be the first to explain their view. Not because they want to shut the other person up. And there’s a very big difference there.
It might take time. Screaming and crying and hugs and apologies. But working your way through a big argument to the point where people can ALL walk away from it all knowing that they have been justified in their thoughts is SO satisfying.
So while I hope that my son and I, or with my husband for that matter, don’t fight often, I hope that when we do, we fight passionately and with a heart that sincerely wants to work things out.
Knowing in all things that there is love and good intentions behind every misunderstanding helps and nobody should ever walk away from an argument thinking that the other person has it out for them. Unless of course, in my case, they DO have it out for you. Plehplehpleh… (inside joke)
I learnt something in my youth and in church – from the Bible, Ephesians 4:26 – “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger… ”
And I continue to live by that adage that no matter how angry you are, things NEED to be worked out so that you can move on for it all. If the argument seems to drag, take a break. But remember to come back to it. Don’t ever leave an argument unsettled. The unsettled issues can always come back and haunt you.
Sometimes even when they ARE resolved, they can come back and haunt you still.
Sidenote: NO I WILL NOT Google HAUNTING GIFS.
And with that, I look forward to a new chapter in our lives where we no longer live in fear from misunderstandings with this person and can go forward knowing that we have tried our best and that it’s okay to move on.
Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish.