Feeling: Out of sorts
I can’t believe I forgot to post last week. It’s almost the very first week that I’ve not made a post because I’ve forgotten.
I mean even the weeks that I said I was on a break, I said I was on a break. But this week, it’s like I clean forgot entirely that I was meant to be blogging at all!
Well for the last week and still at the moment it’s been rather hectic for me and the bub at home. We were in a bit of a car accident the previous weekend and my mum who normally helps me about the house was off at a staff retreat thing.
So that means without the car, it would be hard for us to get around, we wouldn’t be able to go out and buy food and necessities as much as we wanted to and of course, we’d have to make do with papa coming back a little bit later before we can eat dinner together.
Also, I normally take care of the bub all on my lonesome half the days of the week, but with my mum at the retreat, it would be just him and me for a few days straight.
Not that I am complaining of course. I love spending time with my little. It’s just that without my mum to be around to help, I can’t do work. And unfortunately in my line of work, when I’m not sitting down at the computer and doing things, I don’t earn money.
Sure, I can do work and keep an eye on my bub running around the house at the same time, but that wouldn’t be fair to him, that wouldn’t be fair to my work, and it sure as hell isn’t safe. Plus it really really sucks to have your attentions divided like that.
But I made do.
And I think we had a pretty great time together the last week. I might not have been able to get as much work done as I’d like. But I really shouldn’t be complaining because I got to spend it with my bub.
It’s hard to keep him entertained sometimes. And sometimes it isn’t.
These are the times where it’s so easy to see his personality shining through. How excited he is to show me things. He asks for my hand so he can walk me to some obscure place in the house or he looks at something and tries to gesture to me to allow him to touch the toilet brush (no.), or the electric plug (double no.) or splash around in the dog’s water bowl (perhaps, but mostly, no.)
And it helps to have lots of toys around the house.
Now that we are nearing the end of our unpacking, we’ve got most of his birthday toys out in the open. Looking at all the stuff we have, we’re truly amazed and blessed by all the love we’ve got from everyone and none more than our son, who is reveling in all the beeping and rolling and building that he can do with everything.
So when we’ve got a nice box of Duplo out for him on the floor, sometimes he’s content to just bang the bricks around. As long as somebody is sitting nearby to keep him company.
Well, I’m ashamed to say that it’s normally at this point, that I try and stand up and leave him to his own devices and try to squeeze in a line or two or work.
The bub obviously has none of this and promptly gets up too. And he toddles over to where I am in the other room to come and yank at my hands to come back and keep him company.
See, thing is that he doesn’t care whether or not I’m playing a part in his games at that moment in time. He’s actually really happy to have my presence right there. I can honestly be on Facebook while he bashes his wooden cars and explores the knicks and knacks around the room and he’d be happy.
It’d take him a while to realise I’ve stood up and left the room, but when that happens, I can imagine that to him it feels like something’s missing..
And it strikes me that one day, he’s not going to want me to hang around him too much. He’s going to want his own space and privacy. I really hope that that day doesn’t come too soon.
Right now, although I feel a little uneasy that I neglect my work, there’s a little tugging at my heart strings when he comes over to me and is all – Mummy, don’t go. Please come back and play with me.
Or something like that.
But yes, I know. In the back of my head, there’s this quiet voice that’s telling me that he’s not going to be small and needful of me forever. And while he is like this, and clamours and wants my attention, I should drop everything and make sure that he gets all the attention that he deserves.
I can’t remember whether I’ve shared this particular story before, but it is an example from a friend of mine who has an older boy of about 3. And she’s a work-at-home mum too and while I personally think that she’s exceptional in being able to juggle her responsibilities of work and taking care of her kids, she told our mummies group a while back, or shared on Facebook or something that she was asking her child to do stop watching videos or something and go take a shower or basically put down what he was doing.
And he responded “Don’t disturb me. I’m busy.”
To which, she totally recoiled and was entirely flabbergasted, because she sometimes said that to her kids when engrossed in her work.
She laughed the matter off and said “It’s really important to watch what you do and say in front of your children because it’s amazing what kids absorb when you don’t realise it”.
I don’t think I took the story quite as light-heartedly myself.
I’m actually rather traumatised by this.
It’s a stark reminder that I need to watch my actions and how I treat my bubba in case he perceives things very much differently. Not to mention that I really, Really, REALLY need to stop swearing in front of him now that he’s starting to babble a lot more. (Oops!)
But I’m reminded by this other story about the “president” or something? (Now THIS I’m sure I’ve shared before…)
Something about how a little girl would always be so shy to speak to her father because he was such an imposing and serious figure. And he would almost always be working. But whenever she hung around the door of her father’s office and her father spied her lurking, he would put down everything and turn to her with a big smile and invite her to come over and have a chat for a minute or two.
And he would never not have time for his daughter. Even though he’s the president.
**Okay, my ovaries can’t even. There are so many awesome photos about how Obama loves babies..**
Moving on, as it is, I’m beginning to see the small signs that the bubby is starting to notice that I’m not entirely available to him during the week when there’s work to be done. He’s beginning to favour his grandma over me when I’m taking a break from work or early in the morning when we’ve wiped our faces and the doorbell rings.
And I really wonder whether I need to be so caught up in my work sometimes.
I hope that all of this serves as a timely reminder to put down my things every once in a while and smell the roses. And show the bub how to smell the roses with me too. I don’t want the bub to think that there are things more important than family, because there isn’t.
In the meantime, my mum has come back to help us this week and while I’m immensely thankful that I have someone to help me again and I can take care of last week’s backlog of work, the week alone with the bub was a good thing in teaching me to learn how to slow down and get my priorities on straight and I’m grateful for that too 🙂
To more You’s and Me’s,