Feeling: Torn. Wistful for a simpler time…
So I don’t want this to end up being a full-on rant about my work and what I have to do but I feel like I’m at a stage where I’m questioning what I’m doing with my life.
I enjoy what I do for a living, I really do, but sometimes, I find that I’m so in between work and spending time with my bub that I want to tear my hair out.
I also really love being a mum. I mean I REALLY love being a mum and taking care of my baby but the balance between spending time with my bub to nurture him and help him to grow against the need for me to do work and focus on getting things done is taking its toll.
I realise that I’m truly blessed to have these 2 really big components of my life lining up and to be very honest, things can probably be a lot worse; I really should be grateful that at this time I’m gainfully employed and making a decent living without having to forfeit time at home.
But the feeling comes in waves. It’s a constant struggle to ground myself and think about what I have good that’s going for me when there’s so much MORE that I want for myself and my family.
I want to be able to bring my bub out to more places, but we need a new car, perhaps not now but soon. If we don’t have a car, how am I going to do that? Sure there’s public transport and all that, but it isn’t the same.
I want to have a second baby, actually really badly. Perhaps more too. But thinking about delivery fees and checkups and the amount of money we need to have set aside for the baby’s child development account stand like a big wall in the middle of my plans. Short of having a Gandalf screaming you should not pass, I worry about when I’ll feel confident enough to afford a second child.
I wish my husband could spend more time with me at home and not have to run off to work. I am probably perfectly capable of taking care of my baby at home on my own, but I miss that we aren’t just the 2 of us anymore and every minute we spend together these days just doesn’t feel the same.
I want, I want, I want…
That’s the human way isn’t it? To always seek more than what we have, or to feel like we can never be satisfied with what we’ve already been blessed with.
We’re greedy little buggers.
It’s not even about money. It’s everything. The world. We want the world. And when we have it, we want the universe.
And what do I want anyway? Sometimes when I let my head get away with itself and dream up my “perfect” scenario, I realise that there just isn’t one – a perfect scenario that is,
It’s really more a selfish demand for things to take care of themselves, for things around me to just fall into place, that I never have to want for anything, but yet that I don’t have to do anything before this privilege, nay, this right be bestowed upon me, just for simply being.
Life is cruel. Life is hard. Life makes you suffer and you have to work for anything that you want.
Genesis Chapter 3
17 To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’
“Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat food from it
all the days of your life.
18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
19 By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return.”
That is our yoke.
UGH. I feel so depressed just writing about all of this. And I bet you’re wondering why I’m being such a downer on the first day of the week too.
But if all truth be told, the hard facts of life are the most important lessons to learn.
I find that as much as I want things for myself and my family – that I hope that things go as smoothly for them as they can possibly go, not everything is meant to be perfect. We have to face these trials and tribulations in our life if we are going to GROW.
If things are handed to us on a silver platter, then what do we know? That we are entitled, that we are deserving more than others of the fruits of the Earth more than others?
What gives me the right to decide that I get to enjoy my life on the expense of others who probably are working harder, longer and more diligently than I am while all I do is sit here and whine about how I wish things were better and sulk when things don’t change when I do nothing?
For all my human faults and weak spirit, I know that I need to gear myself up to do something more if I ever want things to change.
My hubs has this saying that he lives by, a saying handed down to him from his dad that is so apt here – that you make your bed, so you sleep in it. Because you need to live in the knowledge that your efforts will show and if you haven’t put any in, then you can expect more than a hard knock life as you try to rise out of the shadow of your own actions.
That said though, it seems like a lot of kids these days are more than happy to take a year or 2 off to just do whatever they want, and end up sitting in front of a computer the entire time. Not going out to explore, not looking for a job, just leeching off the good will of their parents.
They seem happy to think that in a way, they are entitled a good living from their parents.
I know a couple of people who are still like that, and it’s SAD.
I really shouldn’t be saying such things when I myself am angling towards something similar. I might not want to sit and play games on my computer all day long (or maybe I do), but how can I expect to teach my child not to turn out that way if I don’t want to be more hardworking and better at juggling my time.
And at this moment, I remember that as a mum, that’s the worse thing that could happen – that my son thinks that he is entitled a living off me, that he can expect me and his father to give him everything he’s ever wanted.
I mean, yes, we probably would give him, and our other future children, whatever they wanted, up to a certain limit of course, but the point being that they would have to show that they would be sensible enough to do well with the things that we give him and them.
I’m reminded of Matthew 25 – The parable of the Talents
26 “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? 27 Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.
In the day, Talents was a way to describe currency, and it doesn’t seem like a coincidence that when I was younger, I thought of my God-given abilities or talents in parallel.
The whole story is really about how you need to make use of what God has given you and to do something with it instead of hiding it away and being a quote – wicked, lazy servant –unquote.
There is no justification for me to be a slacker while hoping my child doesn’t become one, we reap what we sow and all of those idioms and similes thrown into the mix.
I should really come away from today’s blog post knowing that I need to pray and seek guidance and refreshment, that God will put a stirring in my heart and hands, to issue me a call to action.
It’ll be a while yet before I know what I can really do with all of these feelings of uncertainty in my head and my heart but I know that I can count on God to open and show me the path to walk.
And in the meantime, I’m blessed that God has given me the logic that I need to recognize that I have things as good as can be so I can start with appreciating the blessings that I have and working it out from there.
I’m committed to not letting myself wallow. At least while I know that it has the greatest chance of affecting me now.
Whatever lies in the future, I trust in His divine grace and mercy to not lead me to temptation of sloth and laziness and to deliver us from the evil of complacency.
In faith and determination,