Feeling: I know he knows and that makes me focused on what’s important
It’s been a rough week for me the last week. Besides the thing that happened, I think I must’ve come down with a little something-something that has really just sapped the living beejezuz out of me.
And when you’re trying to struggle through severe fatigue and a head stuffed with cotton to take care of a toddler who’s teething and dying of boredom at home, you’re really not going to be in for a good time.
I know I said I wanted to talk about what happened, but I think there’s enough poison in the situation that if I keep talking about it, I’ll never move on. So I’ve said my peace, and I’ll let bygones be bygones. The outcome to that little matter isn’t in my hands anymore.
Especially if I’m going to try and recover my strength and get back some semblance of everyday life, I really don’t need to harp on situations that are beyond helping.
So yes. I spent the last week fighting through the emotional down and this “bug” and trying to get my head screwed back on after the whole thing and just tried to forge through the week until the weekend.
You’d be surprised that even as a (semi-) stay at home mum (SAHM), how much you really look forward to the weekends too. And not just the weekends, but the evenings when the rest of the family comes back home from work to have dinner together.
Not just because of the extra hands, but just having other people around. ADULTS.
It’s the time of the day when I can finally take a bit of a breather, hug out the stress of handling things alone the whole day and just settle down to being a family and sharing burdens together.
I know that I’m blessed that I don’t have to skip out of the house too often to get to work and see clients all the time, and I know that it’s really wonderful to be at home with the bub for the majority of the week, but it IS tiring on a different type of level.
So many people tell you how I’m lucky I am that I have life so easy.
But PLEASE. Jump off a cliff.
Being a SAHM has its own set of difficulties.
To the uninitiated, looking after children is more than just shaking your legs and watching TV while they sit quietly and amuse themselves in a safe and non-threatening way.
Even if things happened that way, I’ve found it hard enough to go to the bathroom or getting any bit of alone time, without worrying that something is going to happen to the baby. When he couldn’t walk, I’d worry he’d fall off the bed. Now that he is mobile, there’s a huge possibility that he’s going to climb a chair, ingest something poisonous, or even just mess up the house.
And trust me, when your child insists on spilling water all over himself and the floor and sometimes the dog…. There are just TOO many things that can happen to a kid that’s let loose.
I mean. Have you READ the articles about the kids who’ve gotten themselves locked in the toilet or climbed out the window in under 5 minutes when their parents backs were turned?
I’m deathly afraid that will be me.
I can’t count the number of times that I’ve been able to catch myself from yelling of screaming out of frustration…
And sometimes not even frustration but because you’re shit-scared that something happened, and WHY in God’s name would your kid want to put himself into a situation like that!, and OMG what am I going to do with you, CHILD!….
On top of that worry, when you’ve finally got the baby settled down to something and gotten to doing something, some errand or some chore but the bub decides that you have to carry him and not put him down… When you attempt to put him down but he yells and kicks and screams and arches his back and screams til his face turns blue….
It all sounds so sweet and loving to people who don’t have to do this on a daily basis and I do admit that I can see why mums who have to work full time envy the SAHMs for being able to “enjoy” this period. I mean I can totally get that this is just my baby wants to be my baby.
But for 8 hours straight, thinking of things to entertain a little person with a maximum attention span of 5 minutes IS tough.
And especially so when you yourself are tired and really just need a bit of a lie down.
And did I mention I was sick last week?
All I could think about last week was how I just needed to lie down, can baby PLEASE let mummy just get a 5 minute nap, or a little bit of rest? And how I just couldn’t wait for someone to come home and rescue me.
It really didn’t help that I had work to do on top of everything.
The anxiety piles up the longer that you sit at home in this kind of situation and I’m ashamed to say it but I get really resentful sometimes about how I’m just stuck in a rut of having to work, but also having to look after my child at the same time.
Then I think about how I have some mama friends and they have more kids, and more demanding jobs, or lesser resources and they all survive and I’m reminded how it’s not just about how I feel, but also about being able to control my emotions in every situation I find myself in.
I SHOULD be more grateful and optimistic. I AM blessed with a loving family and good health and isn’t that all we ever really need to make things turn around?
But on top of it all, I remember that the little person who is by my side really isn’t doing anything on purpose to make me get mad or angry. He’s not built to make me questions my role as a parent.
It’s my job to make sure that I exercise patience and restraint when I talk to him, even when my head is pounding from the screaming and I just want to lock myself up and close myself off from everything else.
When push comes to shove, I think the bub knows that mummy is suffering through it all too. And perhaps it’s not that he doesn’t want to let me go do what I need to do, perhaps he just wants a little hug so that he knows I’m not really that angry, and sometimes he doesn’t want to let go until we both feel better.
At the end of the day when those small hands reach out for me and those hands don’t want to let me go, I have to remind myself that this stage of life where “mummy solves all my problems” won’t always last.
One day, this little boy is going to want to solve all of his own problems. He isn’t going to want mummy’s input. He is going to want to make his own mistakes and show others that he’s a man that can handle his own business.
And he won’t want mummy to solve his problems anymore.
So despite how bad I’m feeling or how shitty a day I’m having, I’m the adult. I have to be the one who is able to control my feelings so that we can avoid the meltdowns and the tears.
I suspect that God’s given us this little bit of a daily grind to build us up and make us into better people at the same time, so perhaps, all we really have to do, is plough through it and make the best of the situation at hand too.
After all, there are many good times for every bad time we come across.
At the end of the day, despite a little bit of a stuffed head and a runny nose or whatever this “bug” I’ve got is, there are more important things at hand.
And I’ve just got to remind myself, that it ain’t all that bad after all….
Getting priorities straight,
edit: I JUST saw this! This is the perfect example of what happens at home: http://www.scarymommy.com/stay-at-home-mom-challenge/?utm_source=FB