Finding a place to belong

Weight: 67.7kg – it’s probably the flu but I don’t want to think about it. I’m just going to eat and be happy.
Feeling: on the outside looking in..

So I’ve actually been added to a couple of January 2015 mummy’s groups over the last few days and I thought that I’d talk a little bit about it..

It’s been quite a while since I joined the groups actually, but I never really found much connection with the groups to be honest. I was more like an outsider looking in.

See, I originally joined the groups to get to know mummies who were in the same boat as I am – first time pregnant, absolutely clueless and looking for mutual support in the questions and uncertainties of motherhood and the like.

group-hug

I really don’t know quite what I was expecting, but I had heard from friends that it was amazing to find a group of like-minded mummies with whom you could share your deepest fears and worries with.

Hell, even the book I’m (supposed to have finished by now) reading says so:

“…I would like to say that I believe that women learn some of the most valuable things about pregnancy from other women. Not only were my Girlfriends endlessly giving of their experience and knowcledge, but they constantly reassured me that I was normal, and that was surely the greatest gift of all. While every women believes her pregnancy is unique and special (especially if it is her first), she also yearns to be told that she is no more confused, insecure, or neurotic than the rest of us mothers.”

– The Girlfriends’ Guide to pregnancy, Vicki Lovine

So there you have it. I craved reassurance from ladies of the same yoke. And not just being part of a mummy’s forum, but one where we were standing at the exact same thresholds of pregnancy at the exact same time, or at least as close to as possible.

Granted that I wasn’t hoping for best friends to come from this group of mummies, neither was I expecting what I came across when after weeks of asking around about groups that were open, I finally found a Singapore based group-forum thing where it solely consisted of mummies due to give birth in January 2015.

there you are!

I already do know of some friends who are really due quite close to me. Like I’ve known them from secondary school so we’re about the same age. And I know that for some reason, this year where we hit our 30s just seems to be a bumper crop for weddings and babies.

But it’s a little different.

I want to meet NEW people. Get different insights from a myriad of new people. And it won’t hurt for the business if I got to know more people that need a bit of advice either 😉

be my friend

I was very excited to get accepted into the Facebook group to begin with. There were a lot of pretty interesting ideas which included a group maternity shoot when we were closer to term.

Apparently it’s one of the hottest things to do when you’re part of a group like this in Singapore. Even the photo studios are giving pretty good discounts for the whole lot of huge and waddling mummies to come down and take big belly photos together…

studio mummies

Anyway, what happened when I finally joined this group of Singaporean mummies is that I found that there were a lot of 2nd time and more experienced mummies on the chat.

Not that I don’t want tried and tested advice, of course. But I was a little disappointed that we wouldn’t all be clueless together and trying to sort things out. That being said, they’ve been all more than accommodating than sharing with the group chat on Whatsapp about what they’ve gone through and how to get around things.

I felt a little torn about how much advice was being given out because I read this article a while back though, that said that any mummy who acts or says things like she knows what she’s doing is absolutely NOT to be trusted… So maybe that has contributed a little to my being irked at the group, but not really a major factor of things.

There is not a single mother on this planet that knows what she’s doing.Not one. Every single mother makes it up as she goes along and hopes for the best. No lie. And, if a mom claims to know what she’s doing, she’s lying and you should not be friends with her. Exception to this rule: Mom Bloggers (ahem).”

Moving on, what I’ve really found irritating, is that so many of them were EXCEPTIONALLY free to chat. There’d be messages from 6am in the morning to the wee hours at night. Seriously, how are these mummies getting any sleep at all! Especially if they’ve already got kids in tow at home..

sleep what sleep.....

Anyway, besides the constant beep-beep-beep-ing of my phone to tell me yet another mummy has commented on the massive chat group, I’ve found that the ladies chatting almost always the same ones.

I’ve chipped in a few words here and there, but as a “newbie” to a group of experienced mummies who’ve obviously found their bffs after their own heart on the group, I felt a little put off. Not that I expected to be recognized from the little that I was saying, but I obviously didn’t get the same amount of attention and concern as one of the frequent texters might.

I might be a bit bitter here, but I’ve found it easier to just mute the whole damn chat group and read into it to try and catch up every once in a while..

Can you say 400+ unread messages from this group in the “peak chatting” hours between 7-10pm?

macaulay

Now while I would prefer they keep private talk to private chat groups, I really wouldn’t mind the flooding of the chat channels with too-specific advice, and talk that leaned more towards non-mummy circumstances. There were minor snippets that I caught here and there about travel plans and habits that I found were not really helpful and sometimes barely even related to impending or existing motherhood. It would be nice if things were a bit more accommodating for mummy-type circumstances.

I truly thought that I would still have a chance to meet up with the ladies over a face-to-face thing at some eventual point of time and find someone more like myself who wanted a meaningful mummy-to-mummy relationship with potential for future play-dates and the like so I stuck with it.

I did find out that for whatever reasons they may have, the majority of the mummies all wanted to meet on WEEKDAYS.

Now given that the nature of my work actually does allow me to work on an own time and own target kind of manner, it’s really not an issue. But for some reason I got really upset that the group was so horribly EXCLUSIVE! Like what about all the other working mamas?

When I asked about it, they said : SORRY, kids and family on weekend. Only free on weekdays.

While I can appreciate that things get busy on the weekends especially when you have kids, if there was a bit of sincerity to meet mummies from all walks of life, it would be nice if better accommodations could be made for everybody right?

no more nonsense

*Sigh*

Now, I know it’s not good form to be ranting about this group of mummies and stuff but because of how it was making me feel angsty and left out, I forced myself to have a good think about this a few days ago, which is why I decided to blog about it today.

It’s really not quite fair for me to be passing judgment on the way they want to run their little group and truth be told, because I’m feeling under the weather, I just don’t want to go out of my way to do anything for the next few months.

I’d honestly be quite happy to sit at home and manage my own business in the quiet and solitude of my own home.

Does that make me antisocial despite my intentions of finding mummy bffs? Maybe… But at least I know what I need right?

i know what i'm doing

I suppose I am in love with the idea that it would be easy to find people who think the same way and have the same thinking and impressions that I have. That wouldn’t be lovely to have someone going through the exact same things you are?

That you’re not alone in anything and that there’s someone who knows what you’re talking about and GETS you when you say something..

Wishful thinking though.

If it was that easy to find someone who’s your brain slash soul twin, a lot more people would be married in this world…

wouldn't it be loverly

Having said that out loud, I know that if I’m serious about finding this one true mummy friend out there, or 2, I need to get out there, put aside my doubts and worries about how I perceive things are going to turn out and really start searching.

And that got me to thinking that for one, I shouldn’t be saying things about people who I’ve never met before when I myself am not serious about meeting people – that’s just making excuses. And second, I shouldn’t be putting that kind of pressure on myself to get out there if deep down I don’t feel comfortable to mingle.

Hell, I’ve already complained my fair share about being unnecessarily interrogated by friends or family; could I really stand expanding the circle of people that could potentially treat me that way?

REALLY

At the end of the day, don’t I already have the most perfect companion with me already? 🙂

In closing for today, I’m just going to leave you with this beautiful article-letter thing. Written by a mum to her daughter, it really spoke to me about not taking for granted the people that I have around me. And in hopes that it will inspire you to take a little time out to appreciate the people that you have with you already too, here we are:

“I am not in love with just another man. I am in love with the father of my babies. The one who called me beautiful through nights of ugly, called me strong through days of weak, called me valuable through days of uncertainty. The one who waited patiently for me. Who washed the sheets of vomit as I bathed the fever infested child.”

Remembering that I’m loved,
Jess

 

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